Household Chores?

Household Chores?

Please comment below on what you do for rewards and or household chores.
This is a big subject and we can all learn from each other.

Their Best

Their Best

I have always said that the main goal of a parent is to help a child be the best they can be.  If you are a follower of mine you will have heard me say or seen it written, many times.  Here is a quick video on what I mean by that.  Enjoy and please leave your comments below and we love it when you share posts, videos etc.

 

 

How important are your words?

How important are your words?

We are in a society where social media more than any other form of marketing helps develop our way of thinking. If someone states that you should act ‘a certain way’ or do ‘a certain thing’ by only offering us one side of the story, as a rule, we tend to say, ‘hey that makes sense,’ and we forget to realize there is always more to the story.

I strive to be a balanced person in how I live, how I act and how I treat others. Do I have opinions, hell ya I do, but I try hard not to overreact when someone has a different way of thinking than me?  Everyone is allowed to have different opinions than me, even my children!

But what I don’t think we realize is that how or what we say will influence how our children feel about things.  For example, if you say: ‘You shouldn’t eat this because’ or “isn’t this a terrible thing that happened,’ you are enforcing your opinion on the situation which tends to make your child already feel the same thing you do! It is a minor form of brainwashing. It is a simple fact, and those in marketing know all about it. However, the power we all hold in our hands is too immense to articulate.

I hope that this video blog and all my videos that follow will show you a balanced way of thinking as parents. I know my ideas are not the only conceivable way to think, they are just one way to think. I am hoping to show you how to read between the lines, how to think about how media or other people’s opinions are trying to make you feel and help you develop your own opinion.

Of course, all my videos are my opinions, but I am hoping you will share your views constructively so that we can all learn. So, we can all realize there might be more to any story than we understand and hopefully, that will open our minds to think outside of our own boxes.

Don’t throw your love away.

Don’t throw your love away.

It makes me sad when I realize how many friends of mine actually do not have somebody who is close to their hearts. Somebody that they can wrap their arms around and share their deepest darkest secrets with. Love is one of those things that seem out of reach if you don’t have it but seems almost disposable if you do have it. I would like to encourage everyone who has love in their life to embrace it, to cherish it and to nurture it! If you don’t, you have a chance of losing it.

Before your relationship got ‘old’, what did you do to show those that are special to you, how much you loved them? Did you leave the cards on the countertop, send a little piece of chocolate in their lunch, or do some other little thing to go out of your way to ensure that you showed them how much you thought about them?

We cannot get to the point with anybody that we love, where we can assume that they remember this on a daily basis without us being the ones to remind them. We must, and I emphasize the word must show them daily how much they mean to us. This applies to our one and only love as well as to our children.

No matter who is important in your life they have to be shown that they are loved, not just told. There is an expression that says, “Actions speak louder than words!” What are you doing to put action to your words? How do your children or your significant other know each and every day that you think the world revolves around them?

I challenge you today to do this. In fact, I challenge you to do something every day. A way to show them that they are forever in your foremost thoughts.

A couple suggestions are:
• a little note in their lunch
• a special treat under their pillow
• buy them their favorite chocolate and give it to them when they come home
• take them out for a nice dinner or whatever it is that makes them feel special. (my one daughter loved icecaps)
• praising them in front of others
• remembering special occasions like the date you met, or the date of your first kiss, or for your children, the first time they rode a bike or slept in their own beds.
• pointing out their strengths so they are aware that you know how special they are.

None of this should be done to the extreme as we do not want to spoil them but into expecting this all of the time, but just occasionally to emphasize how special they are to you!

The simple things in life are what make the difference between nice and extraordinary!

Blended Families, Good or Bad

Blended Families, Good or Bad

You wake up one day and are in love with this incredible man, the catch is he has kids. You do too and you’re just not sure how all that will work. Do you want an extra headache?  But everyone comes with some kind of baggage right, even me! 

 There is always more to the story than we know, so now you know the rest of the story for a step-parent/ step-child: #2

Thoughts of the biological parent:

  • Why can’t they all understand how tough this is.  My children don’t like my new husband, my new husband has no patience with my kids.
  • He thinks my kids are bad, but his are perfect.
  • My kids think I should have just stayed single but I just couldn’t do it on my own anymore and I love him.
  • Does bringing a new parent into the home have to hurt the kids, shouldn’t it mean more people that you can count on when needed?
  • Showing the children what love is like with a partner is just as important as giving them my love as a parent? Don’t they need a good example of that as well?
  • How will we work out holiday events? Who will go where? I do not want to give up time with my own children.

Thoughts of new stepparent:

  • So I wanted more children but did I really want more this way?
  • Is she treating her kids better than mine, or am I imagining things? Am I doing the same thing?
  • I want my children to respect her but I also want her to respect my children.  How will we find that balance?
  • Will I have to discipline her children sometimes, and what do I do if we discipline differently?
  • At least, I will get help with all of the responsibilities: from housework to dealing with the children to paying bills, so it is better than being single….I hope?
  • How will I navigate being at home with the stepchildren when I am alone with them?
  • Will they ever call me dad, or want to hug me? Will we ever blend and become a complete family unit?

Thoughts of the stepchild:

  • Why did dad have to go and marry her?  What was wrong with our family just the way it was?
  • She is not my real mom, she can’t tell me what to do.  I wish it was just me and my parents again.
  • I have to share a room with a stranger just because my dad fell ‘in love’,  yuck.
  • Now he won’t have as much time for me and he will have to take ‘them’ with us when we go to the park or beach
  • Will he even remember my birthday now with so many others in the house.
  • Will she treat me the same as her own children are or will she be tougher on me?
  • What do I call her? By her first name? I’m not calling her mom, so what role is she going to try and play in my life? She better not try and act like she is my real mom? I better never be left alone with her.
  • She better not try to have “the talk” with me, that is something only my mom and dad can do
  • I don’t trust her and I don’t like having them around. It was just us two for a long time and I enjoyed that. I will try and push her away from my dad.  She isn’t needed in our lives
  • It is confusing, what if I do start to like her. Should I hug her? Is it ok to be affectionate? Will my biological mom get jealous if I form a strong relationship with my stepmom?
  • Am I expected to acknowledge her on mother’s day or other holidays like Christmas? Hey, I will get double birthdays and Christmas, so there is some good in all of this.

Thoughts of the step-siblings:

  • I need to get them in trouble to assert myself as the “good” child and they better not invade my personal space and privacy
  • Are we all going to be held to the same standards? Will we all have the same rules?
  • My mother better not get too involved in their lives and they better not get too close to my mom. Mom will always love me more, right?
  • They better listen to my mom and do as she says. They better respect her.
  • Do they see me as a brother? What kind of big brother/role model do I want to be? Will we have similar interests? Will we get along?
  • Can we come to each other with our problems? Will we be able to rely on each other for support when needed as biological siblings do?
  • How do I explain our relationship to others? Do I call them brother/sister or stepbrother/sister?
  • If our parents split up will we keep in touch? Do they want that?  Is that acceptable?
  • I have to protect them as an older brother should

Thoughts of the step-grandparents: 

  • So now I have more kids I have to remember?  Do I buy presents for them?
  • Am I going to be expected to have them over for sleepovers like I do my own grandchildren?
  • She better be as good to my son’s children as she is with her own.
  • Does she even know how to cook like my son and grandchildren like?
  • How do you even treat step-grandchildren fairly when I don’t know them, they don’t know me, and we will never spend time together?
  • Do I let them call me grandma?
  • How do I treat the ex-daughter-in-law?  Do I call her, acknowledge her birthday?
The ‘Head’ of the House?

The ‘Head’ of the House?

I re-posted a small clipping I saw on Facebook the other day and the reaction I got was very loud with many women being very upset that I feel that men should be the head of the home.  These women were firm in stating that they felt no one should be the head of the home, that both parents should have an equal say in all things. So what I am asking is this: because women are working as much as the men outside of the home and men are having to do housework and run children to events, does this mean there is no need of having someone be the head of the home?

Doesn’t someone have to be in charge?   I understand that in the old days there were clear cuts rules of what was considered women’s work and what was considered men’s work, but that doesn’t apply anymore. However just because both parents are doing whatever needs to be done doesn’t negate the fact that you cannot have two people having the final say.

I would like to take this opportunity to be just as loud in voicing that I enjoy having my man be the head of the house.
Although we both work and do housework and drive the kids here and there I still want to be the nurturing one to whom the children come running when they have had a squabble with their siblings or are struggling with a homework assignment or have had a fight with their boyfriend or girlfriend.  I want to be the one responsible for making the home clean and cozy, a place that we can all be proud to call home and feel comfortable sharing our successes and our hurts.  This doesn’t mean I am the only one doing any of this, but I am the one in charge of this part of running the house.
Yes, we should be a TEAM, but even with teams, there is a captain. I don’t want to be a superwoman. I don’t have the time nor energy to do it all and still be the best mom I can be for my children, the best wife I can be for my husband and the best friend to those in my life.  I don’t have what it takes to do it all.  I like having the man in my life doing his part.   Giving the final decision over to him after discussing both of our points of view doesn’t make me weak, it makes him strong; strong enough to really listen to my point of view and strong enough to feel needed, wanted and honored in his role.
I know that I am fortunate. I am so grateful to have a man who works alongside me helping me with all that needs to be done but allows me to do all the things that I am good at. He supports me in what I want and need to run OUR house, still being the strong hand in the background while never abusing my trust or holding his control over me
Graphic by httpbiblestudyquizzes.combible-study-on-man-being-the-head-of-the-house
Teenage Rape, the story.

Teenage Rape, the story.

There is always more to the story than we know, so now you know the rest of the story for a raped teenager: #1

You get angry when you find out your child is pregnant and your reaction quickly changes to horror when she says she was raped.  Your mind goes in a hundred different directions. You’re not sure what you should do, how you should react. You want to lash out at the rapist, or your daughter, or the world for that matter.  You are just livid because in your perfect little world this should not have happened.

 

Thoughts of the teen who got raped and conceived a child:

  • I guess I shouldn’t have gone to that party.  I don’t know what or how this happened.  I know I was suddenly very sick and very tired and went upstairs. How come I didn’t have enough strength to kick him off me when I realized what he was doing? Who was he? Will I ever know?
  • All my friends are having an abortion, I could go have one and no one would know, but can I? Can I live with that? I was taught it is murder, but is it? The world is telling me I have a choice in this and that it is not murder? How am I to know which is the truth?
  • Will my parents kick me out? If I keep the baby what will become of me and my child?
  • Will they believe that I was raped? I don’t dare tell them I was having sex with my boyfriend and that it could be his or they really won’t believe me that I was raped.
  • If I keep him, how do I deal with being pregnant and knowing most of society is thinking I should have aborted him or at least give him up for adoption?
  • I have to wonder what will become of my child and me being a single mom. Will anyone else ever love me and take me and my child in and love us with all our baggage.

Thoughts of the parent of a child that got raped:

  • I want to kill whoever it was that raped her. I am sick at the pain my child has had to go through.
  • It’s not fair that we have a grandson that people immediately have pity on because of his conception.
  • We have to deal with knowing that even though we did everything in our power to keep our daughter safe; she chose not to listen to us causing her so much pain and hurt. Could we have raised her differently so that she would not have been such a rebel?
  • We have to wonder what will become of her and our grandchild. Will she make it? Will she allow us to help? Will she shut us out of her life? Will she ever find someone to love her and our grandchild the way they both will deserve?

Thoughts of the siblings (aunts and uncles) of the sister that got raped:

  • Cool, I am going to be an aunt/uncle. A baby in the house will be nice.
  • What will my nephew be like, will I even like him, and will I even care. Will I be expected to do more or will I get ignored more now that there is one more person in the house?
  • It’s not fair that there is so much turmoil in the house from yet again the drama queen in the house.
  • We have to deal with seeing our sister and parents upset trying to figure out what to do and how.
  • We have to wonder what will become of all of us with this doom sitting over the house.

Thoughts of the boyfriend of the woman who got raped:

  • Why did I have that fight with her just before that party? It is my fault she got raped. She was so mad at me and that is probably why she went to that stupid party with people she didn’t even know.
  • Is the baby mine, should I stick around even though we fought and she said we are done?
  • Will she abort the baby, do I have a say, how do I handle this, her, the situation. I have no rights as she is saying the baby is not mine, but I know it could be. She is just saying that so her parents will help her.

Click here to watch a video on abortion and what my raped daughter decided to do.

Click here if you are feeling guilt as a parent

Picture: http://www.kemmannu.com/index.php?action=highlights&type=6869

Suffocated, Had Enough, What to do.

Suffocated, Had Enough, What to do.

Your husband is driving you crazy and you can’t stand it anymore.  You are on the verge of leaving him.  You feel suffocated and he is constantly at you to let him know where you are and what you are doing.  You need space, you need air, you need your independence back.

Your dad won’t stop calling you.  He is always complaining about life in general but complains about things that matter to you most. He assumes you have all the time in the world to help him, take care of him but you still have a family of your own to take care of, a house to tend to. Some of his complaints are about how much he wants to die because his life sucks so much.  He has this way of getting under your skin and you just can’t stand the sound of his voice anymore. You feel suffocated some more.

Your child is sent home one more time.  When will this end? Doesn’t the teacher know you have to go to work? Can’t she understand that if you don’t work you won’t have a roof over your head for you and this child?   Frustrated beyond belief with not only the teacher by your child as well.  Life isn’t fair and you thought when you worked this hard you would get some thanks at least, not all this grief.  Why can’t the teacher just do her job right? You feel suffocated yet again.

You went through the tough, backbreaking job of carrying these children, then the pain-racking delivery, the long sleepless nights raising them and now you have slaved over the hot stove to prepare this great dinner and still no one will get up to help you clear up the dishes afterward! You know you raised your children better than this but for some reason, they just sit there and don’t even think about helping you. Can anyone help you from being suffocated?

Why can’t they all understand how tough this is.  My children don’t like my new husband, my new husband has no patience with my kids.  He thinks my kids are bad, but his are perfect. My kids think I should have just stayed single but I just couldn’t do it on my own anymore and I love him.  

In my upcoming blogs, I am doing a series called “And now you know…the rest of the story”. One of the major mistakes we make as parents, as human beings, is that we are not seeing the other side of a story.  We tend to only look at our side of it and feel cheated, used, misunderstood.

If you are looking to improve your marriage, your relationships with your children, parents or co-workers, or even yourself for that matter, please stay tuned.  You will learn that there is always more to the story than you thought.

Click here to see one possible way you can help with being overworked

Click here to see how to stop being frustrated

Are Parents to Blame?

Are Parents to Blame?

I came back from a business trip to hear about how Marco Muzzo killed 3 children and their grandfather in a car accident allegedly due to drunk driving. There is absolutely no doubt this is a tragedy.  My heart goes out to the families that have lost 3 children and a parent all in one day. I cannot even imagine their pain. Are Marco’s parents to blame for this? Or does this solely lay on the shoulders of Marco for getting behind that wheel while intoxicated?

Trying to find a reason for such a tragedy is human nature but I don’t think stooping to insulting the parents of the drunk driver is the way to do it. Today I saw an article on Facebook about Marco’s mom. It was a video she put together to try and get onto a cooking show. Although she was pretensions and a bit arrogant in the video the Facebook audience took this as a way to assume that this explained why Marco was arrogant enough to get behind the wheel of a car while drinking.  The exact quote was” The apple probably didn’t fall far from the tree”.

Here is what I would like to ask. Have you ever had a child do something that you were not proud of?  If so was this your fault?

A lot of what my children do or think is because of how I raised them. However,  quite often some of the things my children have said and/or done I have shaken my head at and wondered why.

Even that is not the issue here though is it?  The issue is that a man started drinking and decided to drive and in doing so killed 4 innocent people. The biggest tragedy of all will be if this man gets away with it. Let’s not make this about anything other than what it is, by pulling others into this that have nothing to do with it. If I was Marco’s parents right now I would be devastated by the pain the other family is going through, knowing it was my child that caused that pain. Instead of hurling stones at Marco’s parents because of something their son did, let’s keep our focus on the real issue.

I speak as a woman who is closely related to someone who killed a young child from drinking and driving.  I know the pain of guilt he lives through every day and I am not saying he deserves their forgiveness, because he didn’t. Here is what I can tell you about this from the other side of the story. The grace those parents showed to this drunk driver is what changed this man’s life forever.

We as the general public do not have the right to put our noses where it doesn’t belong.  It is up to the victim’s families whether or not they decide to show grace.  We need to stop casting stones towards anyone and only concern ourselves with seeing that justice is done legally. If you feel the need to do something then get more involved with M.A.D.D. and help to prevent more of this from happening.

We need to use our energy to help support the parents who are living with this tragedy and ensure we take the time to learn from this and help our family and friends not get behind a wheel while drinking.   Let the grieving family have their time to deal with this without us causing even more pain and heartache.

Click here to watch another video on people drinking and see if you think this parent is at fault as well.

Click here to see what happens with useless guilt parents carry.

Child Suspended for Drinking.

Child Suspended for Drinking.

You get a phone call from the principal telling you to pick up your drunken teenager from school and he informs you he is now suspended for 3 weeks. He has been drinking. What do you do?

One of your major parenting roles is to be there to help your children when they are struggling, to teach them what to do, what not to do, however, our job is not to take our children out of the situations they get themselves into.  Our job is to coach and teach what they must learn as they go through the tough struggles, whether those struggles are caused by their own actions or not.

Some things will happen that are beyond their control and although we as parents sometimes think we should fix the issue for them, most of the time our job is just to be there with them and help them through it. At other times, they will go through a circumstance that was a direct consequence of their actions. For these issues, you must not fix it for them because they will learn the most by allowing them to live with the consequences of their actions. Your job at this point is just to be a support person, someone to lean on and come to for advice, but do not fix it for them.  They will not learn and they will keep making the same mistakes if you do that.

In this situation I did not plead with the school to let him come back, I did not even try and get his homework for him so he could try and stay caught up.  When my son and I talked these are the things I explained to him.

  1. You will now need to find a way to stay caught up in the classes you are missing without my assistance in any way or fail those classes this year which will then mean you need to take summer school.
  2. Being home for 3 weeks,  the same rule applies as it does in the summertime.  Being home means more chores.
  3. You have all privileges taken away including being able to go out, get drives to work, (made him walk as it was close enough to home) nor allowed him to have friends over.

Giving an additional consequence is not always a good idea, however, in this case, I felt the situation was dire enough that him losing privileges would also ensure he had time on his hands to get extra homework done while keeping him out of the influences of his friends who were drinkers.

Although we do have to take each situation on an individual basis to decide what would be the best course of action we need to always keep in mind that what they learn from having to deal with their own issues will be more valuable.  We don’t want our kids to hate us and so that fear will tend to lead us to ‘assist’ them when we ought to be leaving well enough alone and letting them deal with their stuff.  Hard to do but it is so worth it in the long run.

Traits Your Children Display

Traits Your Children Display

Determining the skills and traits your children have cannot be done by watching your children clean the fridge, or by watching them play… can it?

A reader posted a picture of her children, who unbeknownst to her had decided to help her clean the fridge. Besides the cute factor, the first thing I noticed was how organized these children were.  Not only do they have the contents in a row, but they also have the items sitting by size.  That is very rare in a child unless they are given instructions to do so and even then they usually can’t do it quite this efficiently.

The second thing I noticed is that one is the ‘worker’ and the other one is the ‘thinker‘. The worker is the one at the door.  He is probably the one giving the items to the thinker. The thinker is hard at work trying to figure out where the item he currently has in his hand should go.

Watching your children can be a real learning tool for you as a parent.  Even if you watch them at play you will see traits that will give you clear indications of how they operate and what ways they like to communicate, think and/or work. If you can observe what your children are doing and why then you have a key to how best to work with them to help them understand themselves better. This is key for when they are trying to decide many things in their life such as what school courses to take or what jobs to go for.  It will also help them and you be able to communicate with fewer frustrations.

Although it is not important how the items are placed on the floor it will be important how the items go back into the fridge. The thinker will probably want to be the one to put them back in.  I am assuming that they will continue doing the same jobs they are now with the worker handing the items to his brother so he can place them in the fridge in a certain order.  What would be interesting to know is if they cleaned the fridge after taking all the stuff out and which of them did what.  My guess is that the thinker suggested it and probably got the cloth to do so. It would have been funny to see if he had ordered the worker to do the cleaning.  If he did, he will probably be in management when he is older.

Although this is not an exact science, for this mom to know this information will be key in many aspects. When the thinker tries to go clean his room, he will take a lot longer but it will probably be done better, however, the worker will have it done quicker.  The mom will probably have to break down exactly what she expects for the worker child in order to help him know what is expected of him, but she can probably just let the thinker child come up with his own plan.

When it comes time to dole out chores you would probably want the thinker to be the one cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry as he will also sort out the clothes and organize as he goes along and the worker should be given the jobs that have more manual labor and less thinking, such as taking out the garbage and cutting the grass.

Now although the thinker will probably be able to handle more intricate jobs he will also be the one that will probably ask lots of questions growing up and or question every decision you make, especially if it concerns decisions you have made about his consequences or bedtime or he will question why he has to clean his room.  The worker will probably just go do exactly what he is told to do unless he sees the thinker arguing and then he might try. He will be the one that gives up easier than the thinker will.  So both types of children have their strengths and weakness and your job is to learn which is which and help them use their skills appropriately.

By taking the time, we can help our children even decide on careers later on in life so it is crucial to be observant and help them make wise decisions by being honest with them about what we have observed that will help them learn more about themselves.

If you have a child that is doing things and you do not know what that might mean as far as their learning goes or how to help them and/or if you have a picture like this you would like to send me and get my opinion on, please feel free to post it below in the comments and/or sent me a message on Facebook with the picture attached.

Click here to watch how to shape the will of a child without breaking their spirit.