Here is a question for you: What is the difference between entitled and spoiled? And who usually causes someone to feel and act entitled?

Usually, when I write an article I get the benefit of feeling a completion of the subject, at least for 6 months or so at which time I might sense that the subject needs to be revisited. This time, however, I am still stuck on not only the comments that were in the article I referred to in my last posting but on the whole idea of sharing. Here is the main comment in that article that has me all fired up. ‘ the other mother told her son, “I guess his mom didn’t teach him how to share.”  

I will keep this article short because in truth there is really only one thing I have to say about this.  This concept of a parent thinking they have the right to expect another child to give up anything for their child is ridiculous!

If you read my article from last week (click here to read it) you will see I believe in sharing.  There’s a time and a place to teach this lesson.  We, as the parents have to decide when sharing is appropriate and when they have a right to stand their ground on this subject.  Both lessons are very good ones our children should learn. It is our job to teach our children when it is appropriate and when it is not.

Another parent has no right to insist or even suggest that another child should give up something they have for the benefit of any other child. In truth, this annoys me more than a child being rude or throwing a fit because they don’t get what they wanted. What this breeds is a child who feels entitled, who thinks they deserve more than someone else, who thinks others are there to make his life better in any way he deems fit.  Not a great thing to teach anyone, especially our children. As you can tell I am still extremely ticked. I hear comments continually about how our children are becoming the ‘me generation’ or the ‘entitled generation’. We know that if we allow our children to be so focused on themselves that we have caused them a big disadvantage in life because the real world out there is not going to care about what they want.

The real world will tell them to work hard if they want something and that they can’t expect anything to be handed to them just because they wanted it. So what makes us think that expecting another child to share with our children just because our child wants it is a smart parenting strategy. Our job as parents is to make our children, healthy, happy well-adjusted, productive adults. If we think other children should bend over for our child’s happiness we are totally missing the point of parenting.

So I would love to hear from all of you, what do you think? Do you think we should insist our kids share? What would you do if you heard this comment from another parent regarding your child’s actions? What can we do as parents to try to instill in our children that the universe doesn’t revolve around them?

How did trying to teach our children to share become so controversial? What happened to the good ole days when a child could learn how to play with something for a time and then realize that they should share it if someone else wanted a turn? Growing up, if we had our own toys we might not have had to share those, but we were taught to do so occasionally, especially with friends who came over to visit.  But there were also ‘family’ toys where we had to figure out a way to make everyone happy and all take turns. This teaches your child about ownership, sharing and working together for the common good of everyone.  This helps develop skills on how to work with other people.

However,  having said that, I agree with so many things in this article. The main point the author correctly emphasizes’s is this: “I think it does a child a great disservice to teach him that he can have something that someone else has, simply because he wants it.”  Although I do agree, I also think we do need to know that not teaching our children to share will also be a great disservice.

Back in the day (whatever that means) it was just common practice to make your child give up a toy if they saw another child was wanting it.  But what wasn’t common practise was for the parent to insist another child give up that toy for the benefit of their own child. This one fact in the article was what disturbed me the most.

When my children were younger and we were all in a public setting and we saw another child wanting to play with a toy our child was playing with, we as parents tried to teach our child to share in hopes that we would instill in them that it is a nice thing to do.  The parent of the child who was wanting a turn would then come up and say, “no that is OK, my child can wait until your child is finished.”  What was happening was that both parents were trying to teach their kids to think about others before themselves.

So what happened, how did that get all turned around?  This article goes a long way to helping us understand the downfalls of letting children get away with assuming they get what they want when they want it, but I think the major issue is what the parents feel their child’s rights are. What floored me in this article was that the parents were upset because another child didn’t share with their child.  These parents are teaching their children to be ‘entitled’.  We are dealing with the parents thinking their child is better than anyone else’s and has a right to have that toy even though some other child is playing with it and enjoying it.

So I guess the question we have to all ask when we find ourselves in a situation like this is what is it I want to teach my child? Can I teach my child to think of others on occasions, to be kind and share without making them feel like they always have to come in second?  Is there a way to help our children share and still teach the other child (or parent in most cases) that this is a gift to have someone give up what they are using and should not be expected? This is a loaded question that I do believe can be answered, but we have to be determined to watch and take opportunities when they arise to teach both our own children and hopefully society.

I will give you one example and then I would love to hear more examples of ways you think we could accomplish this goal.

Let’s say you take the scenario in the article and a child is playing with a car and another child wants it. What you could do is say to the child (or parent) who wants it, “my child comes here to play with that toy. He always heads right for it, but I am trying to teach him to put other people’s needs in front of his own wants if at all possible.  So in 15 minutes if your child is still wanting that toy, I will make my child give it up for him, but only this once.  If you come next time and my child is playing with it first, I will not make him give it up.”  What you have done is put everything in proper order. You have successfully made the parent see that your child should not have to give it up but is willing to if their child cannot be satisfied in finding something else to play with.  You will also prove if that child really does want the toy by making him wait 15 mins. You have also set the boundaries for the next time so your child can play with the toy without fear of having it taken away which gives them the knowledge that you do feel they are of value and have rights as a person as well.

Let’s get brainstorming and come up with more ways to teach our children that sharing is a good thing, but do so in a way that we are not allowing other parents to enforce their entitlement issues on us.

To read the article I am mentioned click here.