Are you feeling guilty about how you are raising your children,

or do others try and make you feel guilty.

There are two types of guilt ‘useful’ and ‘useless’ guilt.

I don’t think most of us parents realize there is such a thing as useless guilt and so we tend to carry guilt that is not ours to do so.   If your child is making bad choices and you think you should have been able to prevent it, this guilt is a burden you should not be carrying.  If your child decides they are going to steal something and you have always been a good example, you need to understand that they have made an individual choice that has nothing to do with your parenting.

This is called free will.

If you have set consequences and stuck with them and that did not deter them, that is not your fault. You can choose this point as to whether or not you want to make the consequences more severe and that might work. However, it might not, and that will depend on the child. I would try one or two more dire consequences, but I wouldn’t go overboard on this as it is more important to keep the consequences fair in comparison to the crime. However, if that does not work it still is not your fault, and you do not need to feel guilty.

I think when we have misplaced guilt we tend to overcompensate one way or the other and none of this is good for the child.  You will either become overly strict, which will make a willful child more rebellious or you will relax your consequences which then lets your child believe that they can outwit authority.  So the only thing you can do is to stick with what you know is a fair and reasonable consequence and ensure they are given when necessary.

One day someone sent me a cartoon by email. I share it with you in the hopes it will relieve you from guilt as it did for me.  It merely showed Adam and Eve in the garden trying to hide their nakedness after eating the apple, and the caption read…..  ‘What makes you think you are the only one that cannot make your children behave?’

The truth hit me; if the creator couldn’t get his kids to do what they were told to do, what makes me think I will get my kids to be perfect? The burden of guilt I was carrying, caused by knowing I didn’t have the ‘Perfect Family‘ was lifted off my shoulders. I looked up and prayed a big thank you for even allowing this little cartoon to teach me so much.

*http://mentalhealth4muslims.com/2010/10/15/the-dangers-of-extreme-guilt-despair/#&panel1-1

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With the 30th season of Survivor now running, I thought of how life has a way of being ironic at times.  When I first started watching Survivor my children were all much younger.  I remember thinking that I should be a contestant on that game because if I could ” Out Wit, Out Play, Out Last”  my children then I could win the real game.  Let’s face it, there are days we are trying to think faster than a 3 or 4-year-old and sometimes we succeed and sometimes we don’t.  My goal was to go to bed at night, put my head on my pillow and be able to say even if I didn’t ‘outwit or outplay’, at least I ‘outlasted’.   I must confess,  there were days I couldn’t say that, but on the whole, I could say “mission accomplished“.  So the slogan of that game helped me survive some very long days.

This is not to be negative at all as it is not a chore working with and around your children. It is important to accomplish what you think is necessary to get done in order to teach your children what you feel is important for them to learn. I love it when my children challenge me and so the only time I stop them from doing so is when there is a negative attitude coming from the challenge.

Since the day my third child knew what a challenge was, he would do so.  Most of the time I don’t mind, but I can tell you that was not always the case.  It took me longer than it should have to realize that when done correctly it was healthy for both them and me to be challenged.  If I am saying or doing something and they challenge me, I had better have a good reason for why I am saying or doing so.  Knowing you have a child who will challenge you will help you ensure you are doing things for the right reasons.

The other benefit to playing this game with your children is that you help them develop the skill of working with people.  A necessary skill in the workforce.  The knack, of course, is to do so without have a negative motive for what you are doing.

*http://www.cafepress.com.au/+survivortv+gifts

What attitude did you get from your teen today?

I have short words for each attitude and will sometimes call it out as I see it.

• Snotty
• Indifference
• Pissy
• Stubborn

The one I usually get lately is huffy.  I think the huff is her favorite attitude.  If I ask her to do something, I get a huff.  If I suggest she try something I get a huff.  If I suggest we do something together, I get a huff.  I wonder what she would do if I huffed every time she spoke. Would I then get a double huff back?  ‘So I see your huff mom, and I raise you a huff’.

If they are huffing and it has nothing to do with an important issue, then choose a different battle to fight and let this one go.

There is a lot more about the ‘teen years‘ in my upcoming book. Read the FREE chapters and let us know what you think.

Raising teens I am sure you have already heard this one ‘You’re mean’.  If so watch this video “Mean Parent”